WANTED!

Single man, to woo and spend hard-earned cash on. No need to text or message, will do all the running! GSOH required so you can regularly take the piss. Likes meals out, walks and weekends away, but never gets them.

That would be my ‘single persons’ ad in the middle of the paper, next to the Viagra and commemorative plate adverts.

I pride myself on having a ‘type’. Tall, dark and rugged, (trampy, as described by another). Despite my type being attractive, they also seem to be pathetic, selfish and useless. Never has a man whisked me off my feet, greeted me with flowers (unless asked) or on a non-materialistic, level take me for a walk or on a picnic.

Life plans have been stowed away and forgotten in favour of their ambition, meals out have never materialised due to no money and weeks can go by with no texts because of “work commitments”. And I’m a fool!

I let it happen, I let Jeremy* buy value noodles and soups when he had no money and then I would cook delicious meals for him. I let him go out and spend what money he had on nights out (without me) and not put it towards bills and rent. And the new one is no better.

So, all in the name of research and self-preservation I will no longer be a fool. I know there are good ones out there. My friend regularly makes me want to be sick in my own mouth with her Facebook statuses.

“So I get home from a long day at work to find romantic music, candles, notes, flowers and my gorgeous man waiting for me with wine and takaway! Amazing ♥” (Sarah 2011)

Bleugh! However, I now vow never to text first, to always expect more and only settle for what I deserve. I will no longer go to FD’s late at night and justify it with shite excuses such as “But he’s fit”, knowing full well he would never come to mine.

My new advert would/ will (when I give in to internet dating) read….

Single, fabulous girl seeks man to treat her right.

Food stuffs!

Nutella, MMmmmm! I love the stuff on toast, pancakes, off the spoon and on cocks! Well, not all cocks, but definitely off the Ex's.

Although it has the look of something that you should definitely NOT lick off (or have anywhere near) any body part, let alone a penis, it tastes good and is fun in the bedroom.

On one particular occasion the Ex and I had an afternoon session in the living room whilst my flat mate (let’s call her Jenny) was out at university. The chocolate spread and other less messy food stuffs were involved and fun times were had by us both.

The evening came, he went off to work, my friend came over and the flat mate returned from a hard day studying. I cooked a delicious dinner and we relaxed watching Quiz Call until the early hours.

After perhaps too much wine I suddenly realised the chocolate spread was still out on the coffee table and to my amusement (should be horror, but it was too funny) my friend had reached across and started to eat the spread straight out of the tub, with her fingers. Without a second thought Jenny* also dove into the tub!!!

I would like to say that in hindsight I would have acted differently, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t! Ha ha
.
Without breaking a smile or a look of horror, I casually looked across at the pair (now with it all over their fingers and around their lips) and said “I dipped that jar on Jeremy’s* cock today.”

The look on their face was one I will cherish forever and hope in my old age will never forget.

You can always count on mother!

I spent yesterday with my mother. A beloved woman though she is, she knows how to push my buttons and change me from confident, happy, and fun loving, to suicidal, paranoid and incredibly pissed off! 

As a “beautiful” 25 year old my mother’s view is that I should have men falling at my feet, wanting to whisk me off my feet and impregnate me at the earliest opportunity.

As this is not happening, she spent ALL day thinking up wild ideas and theories about why this isn’t happening. She starts off simple enough “Your too beautiful.” Therefore men do not want to approach me, if this is the case, how I solve the problem? Stop wearing makeup, careless about my appearance? AND why aren’t supermodels single? Don’t see Gisele struggling to find a man!

In a change of direction my mother went on to say how she still had a sex great sex life! When I started to protest, she went on to say how “it’s just like talking baking!” I do not acre to know of my mother's sex life and what is she telling me for? To rub it in? ICK!

She then turns to it being the man’s problem “They are all turning towards the bum!” as she so tastefully put it. She goes on to spouts some misunderstood, Daily Mail inspired clap trap about there being more gay men, due to women taking  the pill. As well as being massively wrong this is out of my control and just continued to push me closer to the edge.

My mother also observes that men (apparently) look at me, therefore it is now my fault as to why I am not dating or ‘settled down’. She seems to think that my singleness in within my control and I am purposefully staying single to annoy her. She tells me a sad heart wrenching story, it started like this “I’m ready for a grandchild now!”  As if at these words I will self combust and produce a child. “I have to look at the woman across the road playing with her little grandchild. I’m ready for it now.” I know, your thinking 'Poor old woman, what a life she has to lead.' HA! These are not the words of comfort I look for, and further, do not make me want to give in to her and ‘give her a grandchild’ she so wishes for.

But, at least I don’t walk around with my ‘fanny on my forehead’ as she so delightfully put it. 

The most attractive thing a woman can wear is a smile :)

This evening I have been visited by a very close friend, she is an incredibly photographer and asked if she could use me/my body to try out shots for a professional 'boudoir' photo shoot later in the week.

Being a good friend, I curled my hair, slinked into my favourite saucy (but cute) underwear and applied red lipstick. I also wore a pearl necklace, much to my friends horror as they were the very same that had been recently wrapped around FD's cock!
We had an amazing evening laughing, joking and she left with good test shots and my ego has been boosted to dizzying heights.

I loved helping my friend out and felt confident enough in her presence to look sexy, sultry and let her lens go where no lens has gone before!

This reminded me (somewhat embarrassingly) that last weekend, whilst trying to look sexy in FD's bed he asked to photograph me to "Test lighting and practice!" I flatly refused, despite the flattering compliments and kissing. Friends at work seemed horrified that he had even asked and hoped that I hadn't said yes, but I wondered why. Were they jealous? Was it wrong to be happy enough with my body for me not to care? Or were they just cautious and paranoid that my boobs would end up on Facebook? (It was a genuine worry though)

Now, as I look at the photos I don't see me, but I do see a pretty woman that should be confident and happy with her figure. Unfortunately, it will take more than photos to change my mindset, but it has changed something.

I now wish I had said "Yes!" to FD, if he wants to see me naked and proud enough to take pictures that should of been enough. I am happy for my friend to show her photos (professionally) so if FD had shown them to friends I should have been smug that he would do it, not annoyed or embarrassed!

Maybe if he asks again or if another lover asks in the future I will have the confidence to down clothes and smile :)

Maybe


Xx

Things I love.

A sweet, yucky blog to reflect the sunshiney weather and promote niceness and inspire you to think of how lovely life is.

I love.....

• My friends. Obviously, but I love them for knowing me so well. They accept the stupid things I say and do. I love that Gwen can hack my email as she knows my passwords. I love that we can spend days, months and years apart, but as soon as we meet we are as close as ever. I love that we spend every minute of everyday in each others company and never run out of things to say. 
• My Fluffer. This is a random one, please don't judge me! Without revealing too much as to put you off me, my friends accept it, it soothes me, my love bought me a special one that is now bare and I truly believe everyone should have one!
• The sound of running, especially soliders in films. The clicking, clopping and tripping sounds. I wonder if its because of childhood games and clipping round my mum's old 'clip clops'.
• Freshly painted nails. So shiney and smooth. Like my mum I enjoy running the soft smoothness on my lips.
• The smell of rain on hot concrete. Mmm smells of hot summers.
• Buttons. I love looking through my boxes and bags full of the little things. I like to know where they are, i like the roundness, the colours and the sounds they make as i shuffle them. My friends Nana gave me her boxes of buttonss. One of the bestest presents ever!
• Rum. Taste of holidays.
• Books. And my ladder bookcase and the more it recieves raised eyebrows, the more I love it!

I inspire you to think about what you love. Think of this as an exercise you must do to raise your spirits and full up your 'cup'.

Love me xxx

Tried and tested

We've all been there, done that! Whether we are trying to show off for a new lover or putting the spice back into a relationship, we have all done a new thing that made us go "Ooooo!"

Last weekend after a lot of wine and not enough food my friend Deirdre* (who has been married for several years) discussed her new found ‘tried and tested’ trick!

·         New Age Pearl Necklace As the name of this trick alludes to thoughts of messiness and sticky hair I was unsure as to whether I should listen to this sordid story. Yet with the blog in mind I listened intently!!! Using a pearl necklace (a beaded necklace will suffice for the less fortunate) wrap it gently around the hard cock and ‘massage’ in an up and down movement. As my friend politely pointed out “Don’t forget the head!”

I’m new to the confidence thing in the bedroom, but promising myself to try harder and for ‘research purposes’ I decided to try this trick out with FD*. Unable to sleekly and subtly slide this trick in, I embarrassingly had to suggest it and nervously laugh my way to my Primarni pearls. I know what you’re thinking “Sexy.... NOT” Whilst wrapping the pearls I hesitated for fear of trapping vital pubic hair, at that very moment he also spoke of his same thoughts! As you can imagine this ‘trick’ did NOT work and resulted in my embarrassment and slimy pearls.

Had I been confident and felt like Rhianna in one of her infamous videos would this trick have gone well? Would he seen me as an incredible sex bomb that must be ravished at every opportunity? Which begs the other questions, does he now think I’m a pathetic loser who can’t pull off sexy tricks or a girl that tries hard and has a laugh, whatever the sticky outcome?

I am trying my hardest not to care of his thoughts about me, but see this as an opportunity to find the Rhianna within. I resolve here and now to try something new every week (or when the opportunity for cock comes along), and also push my friends to get involved.

Although some of them need little encouragement!

*All names have been changed to ensure minimum embarrassment for those involved and to encourage more storytelling!