I've got mail.

After a bucket load of gin and tonic and a whole week without seeing FD and having not heard from Jeremy; a friend and I signed my sweet, lil ass up to….. wait for it…… Plenty of Fish online dating! As a single girl of 26 I was hoping to save this ‘last resort’ until I was 30 and living with at least one cat, but before I knew it curiosity had taken over and I was clicking through prospective men and women.

So, where to begin. Having looked through some god, awful profiles that included a 23 year old man, sporting a mullet and glasses, I had to be careful when creating mine as to not attract the wrong people. I wanted the best bits of myself and for ‘research purposes’ Love, Sex, and Other Stuff.

My profile reads;

“I'm 26, blonde haired and blue eyed looking for someone to hide behind during scary films, wear swimsuits in the snow with and spoon on a sunny Sunday morning.

I want everything in life and a big bar of chocolate to top it off. I do loads of things in my free time from arty, creative making and baking and the general partying, shopping and watching films. I'm currently a nursery nurse and love it, but want a job around my degree. I've done the typical traveling around Oz and Thailand and want to do Route 66 next year in a blue Cadillac.

I joined 'Plenty' on a drunken whim with my friend, so would be grateful to all 'weirdo's and freaks' to stay away to prove my judgmental self wrong about online dating.”

Having added several different pictures of myself (to give a well rounded view) I slurped down the final dips of gin and fell fast asleep in ignorance to my actions.

Less than 24 hours later I logged in to see what I had written and to delete the whole silly thing. However… as I read the flashing words, my interest grew. 25 NEW MESSAGES!

The messages ranged from all kinds of men, short, tall, tattooed, fit and f’ugly. All sorts of men for all sorts of women. The messages were so complimentary; my ego was growing with every message.

‘Hey sexy, you have the most beautiful smile’ Bigpackage25

‘I have to say you have the prettiest smile.’ Imyoursbabe2011

‘You’re stunning and your profile is really cute.’ Lpooldude2

I’m loving all the men at my disposal and meeting new people in a safe environment. My profile doesn’t have my name or any contact details and if I intend on meeting any men I will stay safe and give all the relevant details to my dad or friends.

I urge all you lovely, single ladies to push aside the negative feelings towards online dating and dating and see it as new and interesting way to meet men in your pj’s!

Secret Sex

You are cordially invited to the wedding of

Graham & Sarah

29^th May 12pm 2012

Yours sincerely the loving parents

OR NOT!!! This loving relationship was soon ripped apart when my beautiful ‘bride to be’ friend came to me with the words every bridesmaid dreads. “I can’t marry him!”

But this is not a story of affairs, broken hearts and crying. That can wait for another day. No, this is about a short 9 months later the ‘devastated’ ex calling me for sex!

It started off simple enough. A little bit of flirting over Facebook, but no more than banter about the boudoir shoot I had done previously. It then moved up to ego boosting compliments, which I enjoyed and to be fair did not stop or discourage. Then it was merely a hop, skip and a jump until he was asking me over for ‘fun times’.

The ex bride in question is very unlike me. Physically, she is athletic, dark haired and small and has never, ever discussed sex, EVER! Which begs the question of what Graham* is like in bed!!!

He talks of the ‘fun times’ we can share and how secret sex will be amazing.

However the girl in me has queries and questions.

• What if I’m bad in bed? It’s a genuine concern as with any new lover, but as a friend, certain expectations are involved.
• What if he is bad in bed? I’m not that good an actor and will be mega embarrassing if he pulls down his pants and reveals a teeny tiny cock!
• What if someone finds out? I do not want to be someone’s sloppy seconds.

In the name of sexual health research I would be ready to jump in, but as we all know. Secrets never stay silent, especially when it comes to sex.

These are a few of my favourite things

To the tune of "Favourite things" from Sound of Music

 

Kissing on sofas or snogging at bedtime.

Gentle undressing or ripping at clothing.

Nibbling at earlobes and licking at nips.

These are a few of my favourite tricks.

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

Whipped cream with strawberries and ice cubes with fruit in

Nutella to lick off and put your big cock in.

Thick peanut butter is full of small bits,

But it might be nice to sucked off my tits

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

First with your tongue, and then with your fingers
Dipping and licking and trembling that lingers.

Coming together, we fall in heap.

Slip into spooning and soon we’re asleep.

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

Buggers vs Salads!

Having come from ‘nice’ relationships, I always believed a healthy, nice and clean cut man would always win over the ‘Treat em’ mean, keep em’ keen’ arseholes my friends seems to perpetually date. Like a dirty, greasy burger that you know you’ll regret; bad men (but seemingly tasty and delicious) would win, destroying their emotional and physical health!

From my high horse I down looked upon the women who repeatedly went back to their bad men with pity. How could they put themselves through the hurt and embarrassment of repeated cheats and sexual humiliations?

As a friend, I dished out the classic advice of “You can do better than him” and “Once a knob, always a knob” and could never understand when, three weeks later, I was like a record player stuck on repeat.

That was until I was on the receiving end of the fateful words “You deserve better”, how had this happened? I was in control of the situation, wasn’t I?

I didn’t want a relationship right now, sex with extras was fine. Just fine! It was fine that we spent mornings in bed messing around and playing with his child. It was fine that I got invited to family parties and meet his grandparents and loved ones. It was also fine when he told me he missed me, spooned me and kissed me on the head, like a loved one.

Yet, it was also ‘fine’ when he didn’t text for weeks. It was fine that he never took me out for a meal or drinks and it was also fine when he never introduced me to his friends.

I can hear my own advice in my head screaming out “Cut your losses”, “You deserve better” and “He’s treating you like shit” yet I can’t seem to take it.

I pretend I am in control. I pretend I’m only in it for the short term and when someone better comes along I’ll be over him. I pretend I knew what I was getting into, so I must be ok. I pretend when I’m with him I don’t want him to tell me “You’re the one!” and I pretend I didn’t see the packet of condoms in his work bag.

I can’t claim to have rhyme or reason behind our madness or magical remedies for us. I have successfully deleted his number. For a month. I have promised myself and others never to see him again, yet the pull is as strong as ever.

Oh no!

Xxx

Dating xx

I love dating. In my ‘younger’ days it seemed to be more frequent and fun (yet not necessarily for the right reasons) You have the excitement of getting ready and spending time thinking of what the person might be like, what you should wear and what will happen. Hoping for lusty looks across to each other, a touch of the hands and goodbye kisses. Considering my love for dating, this never happens!

My date history has been some what interesting! Fraught with falls, false teeth and fumbles!
I can’t remember a definitive dating period with Jeremy. We drunkenly met several times, spent a week together at his university watching QI  in bed and fell comfortably in to a relationship without the lusty dates where I wished he would hold my hand or kiss me unsuspectingly.

My last 'thing' I had with FD did not require dates. Just dark, quiet trips to the cinema and late night visit to his house. Not fun!

One man, I met on a night out seemed such a gent. We briefly meet and he instantly asked for my number. He turned up at my door in his new BMW and whisked me away to a far off cinema to see a film I had mentioned. All was going well until he commented on my how lovely my teeth were. “Odd”, I thought, not your typical compliment. “Yeah” he followed on, “Mine were knocked out twice, so these are false!” he said pointing at his odd pearly, perfect front teeth! Kissing, after that point was off putting and I was in constant fear of sucking them out or finding them in my mouth. There was one other date (so not to seem shallow), but this date then showed his love for Harry Potter, which was significant enough for him to wear a Gryffindor scarf!

There was also the guy from work, who was HOT! On our first date I thought everything was going great, we laughed at the same things, read the same books and both loved the Big Lebowski. Whilst driving home he said “What’s the first thing you think of when walking through a field?” Thinking initially of flowers and sunshine, I opted for something normal only to be corrected by him “NO, man traps!” There was no second date!

My one and only blind date (not to be repeated) was with a man who laughed hysterically when I accidentally tripped as I walked towards him. As I had never met him before I thought this a tad harsh, only to find he was wearing one golf glove. My mishap was an accident; his on the hand was a purposeful clothing choice! This was followed by me breaking my new, bought for the occasion, belt (again to howls of laughter). And he repeated on cycle that his ex girlfriend was the ‘fat one’ on Grange Hill.

With my first love McCartney* our first date was Valentine’s Day, where I proceeded to ‘romantically’ pick his food and gave his incredibly sensitive tummy a shock with spicy sausage. This was a mistake as we were home by 9.30!

Considering my shocking history of dating, I still hold on tightly to the romantic notion that they will be amazing and fun.

Oh well, at least so far they have funny to experience and fun to retell.

Ever the optimist xx

D-. Try better next time.

All I will mention of my above blog is that I am a massive failure and have the self control of a child in a sweet shop. Except the 'sweets' I have been indulging on are bad for my health. I have now eaten too many and have made myself feel suitably sick and WILL NOT indulge again.

Onwards and upwards as they say. Onwards to parties in Manchester, and looking 'upwards' at tall, dark and handsome men.

Ooo, the excitement of first meetings, first dates, first kisses and first 'other stuffs'.

Can't wait. Xx

Birthday resolutions :)

In three days time I will turn 26! I don't admit that number easily, and have been 21 to most of my friends, family and strangers for several years now.

As this hideous ages come with the realisation that the 'BIG 30' is around the corner, I need to put in to motion a few birthday resolutions. These will in turn delude me into thinking it's OK to be 26, single, living with my dad, with no job prospects! (I am also well aware that is it very nearly a year until my LITTLE sister gets married, but thats another blog.)


So starting Monday I will.....

• Look (apply if possible) for one job a week.
• Do some sort of exercise at least once a week. (And no, walking to the cake shop does not count!)
• Loose half a stone. (Older brother's wedding in August!)
• Wear nice outfits.
• Do something that scares me once a week. (Something good, NOT remove spider from plug hole!)
• Blog twice a week.
• Sort out love life! (Trickiest bit, but will make for good blogging. See above.)

These in turn WILL make me happier. WILL!

Tomorrow I intend to get up early and do yoga before work. Hmmmm, this is going to be tricky!

WANTED!

Single man, to woo and spend hard-earned cash on. No need to text or message, will do all the running! GSOH required so you can regularly take the piss. Likes meals out, walks and weekends away, but never gets them.

That would be my ‘single persons’ ad in the middle of the paper, next to the Viagra and commemorative plate adverts.

I pride myself on having a ‘type’. Tall, dark and rugged, (trampy, as described by another). Despite my type being attractive, they also seem to be pathetic, selfish and useless. Never has a man whisked me off my feet, greeted me with flowers (unless asked) or on a non-materialistic, level take me for a walk or on a picnic.

Life plans have been stowed away and forgotten in favour of their ambition, meals out have never materialised due to no money and weeks can go by with no texts because of “work commitments”. And I’m a fool!

I let it happen, I let Jeremy* buy value noodles and soups when he had no money and then I would cook delicious meals for him. I let him go out and spend what money he had on nights out (without me) and not put it towards bills and rent. And the new one is no better.

So, all in the name of research and self-preservation I will no longer be a fool. I know there are good ones out there. My friend regularly makes me want to be sick in my own mouth with her Facebook statuses.

“So I get home from a long day at work to find romantic music, candles, notes, flowers and my gorgeous man waiting for me with wine and takaway! Amazing ♥” (Sarah 2011)

Bleugh! However, I now vow never to text first, to always expect more and only settle for what I deserve. I will no longer go to FD’s late at night and justify it with shite excuses such as “But he’s fit”, knowing full well he would never come to mine.

My new advert would/ will (when I give in to internet dating) read….

Single, fabulous girl seeks man to treat her right.

Food stuffs!

Nutella, MMmmmm! I love the stuff on toast, pancakes, off the spoon and on cocks! Well, not all cocks, but definitely off the Ex's.

Although it has the look of something that you should definitely NOT lick off (or have anywhere near) any body part, let alone a penis, it tastes good and is fun in the bedroom.

On one particular occasion the Ex and I had an afternoon session in the living room whilst my flat mate (let’s call her Jenny) was out at university. The chocolate spread and other less messy food stuffs were involved and fun times were had by us both.

The evening came, he went off to work, my friend came over and the flat mate returned from a hard day studying. I cooked a delicious dinner and we relaxed watching Quiz Call until the early hours.

After perhaps too much wine I suddenly realised the chocolate spread was still out on the coffee table and to my amusement (should be horror, but it was too funny) my friend had reached across and started to eat the spread straight out of the tub, with her fingers. Without a second thought Jenny* also dove into the tub!!!

I would like to say that in hindsight I would have acted differently, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t! Ha ha
.
Without breaking a smile or a look of horror, I casually looked across at the pair (now with it all over their fingers and around their lips) and said “I dipped that jar on Jeremy’s* cock today.”

The look on their face was one I will cherish forever and hope in my old age will never forget.

You can always count on mother!

I spent yesterday with my mother. A beloved woman though she is, she knows how to push my buttons and change me from confident, happy, and fun loving, to suicidal, paranoid and incredibly pissed off! 

As a “beautiful” 25 year old my mother’s view is that I should have men falling at my feet, wanting to whisk me off my feet and impregnate me at the earliest opportunity.

As this is not happening, she spent ALL day thinking up wild ideas and theories about why this isn’t happening. She starts off simple enough “Your too beautiful.” Therefore men do not want to approach me, if this is the case, how I solve the problem? Stop wearing makeup, careless about my appearance? AND why aren’t supermodels single? Don’t see Gisele struggling to find a man!

In a change of direction my mother went on to say how she still had a sex great sex life! When I started to protest, she went on to say how “it’s just like talking baking!” I do not acre to know of my mother's sex life and what is she telling me for? To rub it in? ICK!

She then turns to it being the man’s problem “They are all turning towards the bum!” as she so tastefully put it. She goes on to spouts some misunderstood, Daily Mail inspired clap trap about there being more gay men, due to women taking  the pill. As well as being massively wrong this is out of my control and just continued to push me closer to the edge.

My mother also observes that men (apparently) look at me, therefore it is now my fault as to why I am not dating or ‘settled down’. She seems to think that my singleness in within my control and I am purposefully staying single to annoy her. She tells me a sad heart wrenching story, it started like this “I’m ready for a grandchild now!”  As if at these words I will self combust and produce a child. “I have to look at the woman across the road playing with her little grandchild. I’m ready for it now.” I know, your thinking 'Poor old woman, what a life she has to lead.' HA! These are not the words of comfort I look for, and further, do not make me want to give in to her and ‘give her a grandchild’ she so wishes for.

But, at least I don’t walk around with my ‘fanny on my forehead’ as she so delightfully put it. 

The most attractive thing a woman can wear is a smile :)

This evening I have been visited by a very close friend, she is an incredibly photographer and asked if she could use me/my body to try out shots for a professional 'boudoir' photo shoot later in the week.

Being a good friend, I curled my hair, slinked into my favourite saucy (but cute) underwear and applied red lipstick. I also wore a pearl necklace, much to my friends horror as they were the very same that had been recently wrapped around FD's cock!
We had an amazing evening laughing, joking and she left with good test shots and my ego has been boosted to dizzying heights.

I loved helping my friend out and felt confident enough in her presence to look sexy, sultry and let her lens go where no lens has gone before!

This reminded me (somewhat embarrassingly) that last weekend, whilst trying to look sexy in FD's bed he asked to photograph me to "Test lighting and practice!" I flatly refused, despite the flattering compliments and kissing. Friends at work seemed horrified that he had even asked and hoped that I hadn't said yes, but I wondered why. Were they jealous? Was it wrong to be happy enough with my body for me not to care? Or were they just cautious and paranoid that my boobs would end up on Facebook? (It was a genuine worry though)

Now, as I look at the photos I don't see me, but I do see a pretty woman that should be confident and happy with her figure. Unfortunately, it will take more than photos to change my mindset, but it has changed something.

I now wish I had said "Yes!" to FD, if he wants to see me naked and proud enough to take pictures that should of been enough. I am happy for my friend to show her photos (professionally) so if FD had shown them to friends I should have been smug that he would do it, not annoyed or embarrassed!

Maybe if he asks again or if another lover asks in the future I will have the confidence to down clothes and smile :)

Maybe


Xx

Things I love.

A sweet, yucky blog to reflect the sunshiney weather and promote niceness and inspire you to think of how lovely life is.

I love.....

• My friends. Obviously, but I love them for knowing me so well. They accept the stupid things I say and do. I love that Gwen can hack my email as she knows my passwords. I love that we can spend days, months and years apart, but as soon as we meet we are as close as ever. I love that we spend every minute of everyday in each others company and never run out of things to say. 
• My Fluffer. This is a random one, please don't judge me! Without revealing too much as to put you off me, my friends accept it, it soothes me, my love bought me a special one that is now bare and I truly believe everyone should have one!
• The sound of running, especially soliders in films. The clicking, clopping and tripping sounds. I wonder if its because of childhood games and clipping round my mum's old 'clip clops'.
• Freshly painted nails. So shiney and smooth. Like my mum I enjoy running the soft smoothness on my lips.
• The smell of rain on hot concrete. Mmm smells of hot summers.
• Buttons. I love looking through my boxes and bags full of the little things. I like to know where they are, i like the roundness, the colours and the sounds they make as i shuffle them. My friends Nana gave me her boxes of buttonss. One of the bestest presents ever!
• Rum. Taste of holidays.
• Books. And my ladder bookcase and the more it recieves raised eyebrows, the more I love it!

I inspire you to think about what you love. Think of this as an exercise you must do to raise your spirits and full up your 'cup'.

Love me xxx

Tried and tested

We've all been there, done that! Whether we are trying to show off for a new lover or putting the spice back into a relationship, we have all done a new thing that made us go "Ooooo!"

Last weekend after a lot of wine and not enough food my friend Deirdre* (who has been married for several years) discussed her new found ‘tried and tested’ trick!

·         New Age Pearl Necklace As the name of this trick alludes to thoughts of messiness and sticky hair I was unsure as to whether I should listen to this sordid story. Yet with the blog in mind I listened intently!!! Using a pearl necklace (a beaded necklace will suffice for the less fortunate) wrap it gently around the hard cock and ‘massage’ in an up and down movement. As my friend politely pointed out “Don’t forget the head!”

I’m new to the confidence thing in the bedroom, but promising myself to try harder and for ‘research purposes’ I decided to try this trick out with FD*. Unable to sleekly and subtly slide this trick in, I embarrassingly had to suggest it and nervously laugh my way to my Primarni pearls. I know what you’re thinking “Sexy.... NOT” Whilst wrapping the pearls I hesitated for fear of trapping vital pubic hair, at that very moment he also spoke of his same thoughts! As you can imagine this ‘trick’ did NOT work and resulted in my embarrassment and slimy pearls.

Had I been confident and felt like Rhianna in one of her infamous videos would this trick have gone well? Would he seen me as an incredible sex bomb that must be ravished at every opportunity? Which begs the other questions, does he now think I’m a pathetic loser who can’t pull off sexy tricks or a girl that tries hard and has a laugh, whatever the sticky outcome?

I am trying my hardest not to care of his thoughts about me, but see this as an opportunity to find the Rhianna within. I resolve here and now to try something new every week (or when the opportunity for cock comes along), and also push my friends to get involved.

Although some of them need little encouragement!

*All names have been changed to ensure minimum embarrassment for those involved and to encourage more storytelling!

A drug called Love!

Like a babies first sugar as soon as you first try it, feel it or see it in movies we are hooked. We yearn for the Hollywood kissing in the rain, late night calls and 'can't breathe without you' feeling. It brings you brilliant highs of butterflies in your tummy, smug smiles of happiness and the need for more, more, more. From a young age this drug is forced upon with stories of 'happily ever after' and good over coming evil with its power. Little girls role play Princess's, safe in the knowledge that one day their Prince will come and save them. The boys play the role of the strong and willing Prince, over coming the evil dragon to save his one true love. This innocence just instills the dream further and makes it a drug we are ALL unable to resist. 
As adults we delude ourselves with personal stories and tales. We all know of a friend of a friend whose non committal ex turned up in the middle of the night, drenched in the rain with flowers who declared his undying love. Although utter nonsense, we all secretly cling on the hope that it will happen to us. I also think men are included, yet their fantasy may include the woman wearing a tight white t-shirt in the rain, holding 4 cans of beer and declaring that their cock is the best they have ever seen!
 However this can also be a dangerous drug and should come with a WARNING.
 Side effects may include:

·        Dribbling at the sight of a loved one.

·        Loss of speech and/or ability to construct sentences.

·        ‘Accidental’ text messages and ‘misdirected’ calls.

·        Delusions of grandeur. Illusions may include weddings, children and pets.

·        Stalking type habits. With the invention of Facebook this side effect has become normalized, but we all know that checking someone’s page more than once a day is a problem and you should seek medical help.

We are ALL guilty of the above side acts and should therefore look upon people showing signs and symptoms without judgment or pity.
I have and to this day continue to make errors with regards to love, sex and other stuff and look upon my actions with horror and disgust. My friends however look on laughing and gawping at my stupidity. At the end of every bad date, misadventured one night stand and soul destroying heart break we vow never to indulge in the drug again. Yet we know it won’t be long until you’re rolling in the stuff dreaming of weddings, children and pets.

First post

Hello all!

Eek, my first blog and set up all on my own (or maybe with a little help from Gwen)

This blog was inspired by my recent holiday with my girlie friends, where all we spoke about was sex and the maddening things that we love and hate about the men that we allow into our lives. Be it lovers, long term boyfriends, one night stands and even our epic fathers!
I intend to blog the horrifying, funny, inspiring and down right rude and dirty things me and my "anonymous disciples" get up to. So far I have stories involving code words, sex injuries and chance meetings that ended in engagements.
I will also use it as a platform to vent about 'love life' otherwise known as a series of unfortunate dates, unanswered texts and odd chat up lines such as "Nice legs, Oh and nice teeth!" You guys might as well get a chuckle from them until I am able to look back and laugh along.

I'm just getting started with this whole 'blog' thing so please be patient.


Love, The Eternal Optimist! X