I've got mail.

After a bucket load of gin and tonic and a whole week without seeing FD and having not heard from Jeremy; a friend and I signed my sweet, lil ass up to….. wait for it…… Plenty of Fish online dating! As a single girl of 26 I was hoping to save this ‘last resort’ until I was 30 and living with at least one cat, but before I knew it curiosity had taken over and I was clicking through prospective men and women.

So, where to begin. Having looked through some god, awful profiles that included a 23 year old man, sporting a mullet and glasses, I had to be careful when creating mine as to not attract the wrong people. I wanted the best bits of myself and for ‘research purposes’ Love, Sex, and Other Stuff.

My profile reads;

“I'm 26, blonde haired and blue eyed looking for someone to hide behind during scary films, wear swimsuits in the snow with and spoon on a sunny Sunday morning.

I want everything in life and a big bar of chocolate to top it off. I do loads of things in my free time from arty, creative making and baking and the general partying, shopping and watching films. I'm currently a nursery nurse and love it, but want a job around my degree. I've done the typical traveling around Oz and Thailand and want to do Route 66 next year in a blue Cadillac.

I joined 'Plenty' on a drunken whim with my friend, so would be grateful to all 'weirdo's and freaks' to stay away to prove my judgmental self wrong about online dating.”

Having added several different pictures of myself (to give a well rounded view) I slurped down the final dips of gin and fell fast asleep in ignorance to my actions.

Less than 24 hours later I logged in to see what I had written and to delete the whole silly thing. However… as I read the flashing words, my interest grew. 25 NEW MESSAGES!

The messages ranged from all kinds of men, short, tall, tattooed, fit and f’ugly. All sorts of men for all sorts of women. The messages were so complimentary; my ego was growing with every message.

‘Hey sexy, you have the most beautiful smile’ Bigpackage25

‘I have to say you have the prettiest smile.’ Imyoursbabe2011

‘You’re stunning and your profile is really cute.’ Lpooldude2

I’m loving all the men at my disposal and meeting new people in a safe environment. My profile doesn’t have my name or any contact details and if I intend on meeting any men I will stay safe and give all the relevant details to my dad or friends.

I urge all you lovely, single ladies to push aside the negative feelings towards online dating and dating and see it as new and interesting way to meet men in your pj’s!

Secret Sex

You are cordially invited to the wedding of

Graham & Sarah

29^th May 12pm 2012

Yours sincerely the loving parents

OR NOT!!! This loving relationship was soon ripped apart when my beautiful ‘bride to be’ friend came to me with the words every bridesmaid dreads. “I can’t marry him!”

But this is not a story of affairs, broken hearts and crying. That can wait for another day. No, this is about a short 9 months later the ‘devastated’ ex calling me for sex!

It started off simple enough. A little bit of flirting over Facebook, but no more than banter about the boudoir shoot I had done previously. It then moved up to ego boosting compliments, which I enjoyed and to be fair did not stop or discourage. Then it was merely a hop, skip and a jump until he was asking me over for ‘fun times’.

The ex bride in question is very unlike me. Physically, she is athletic, dark haired and small and has never, ever discussed sex, EVER! Which begs the question of what Graham* is like in bed!!!

He talks of the ‘fun times’ we can share and how secret sex will be amazing.

However the girl in me has queries and questions.

• What if I’m bad in bed? It’s a genuine concern as with any new lover, but as a friend, certain expectations are involved.
• What if he is bad in bed? I’m not that good an actor and will be mega embarrassing if he pulls down his pants and reveals a teeny tiny cock!
• What if someone finds out? I do not want to be someone’s sloppy seconds.

In the name of sexual health research I would be ready to jump in, but as we all know. Secrets never stay silent, especially when it comes to sex.

These are a few of my favourite things

To the tune of "Favourite things" from Sound of Music

 

Kissing on sofas or snogging at bedtime.

Gentle undressing or ripping at clothing.

Nibbling at earlobes and licking at nips.

These are a few of my favourite tricks.

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

Whipped cream with strawberries and ice cubes with fruit in

Nutella to lick off and put your big cock in.

Thick peanut butter is full of small bits,

But it might be nice to sucked off my tits

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

First with your tongue, and then with your fingers
Dipping and licking and trembling that lingers.

Coming together, we fall in heap.

Slip into spooning and soon we’re asleep.

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

Buggers vs Salads!

Having come from ‘nice’ relationships, I always believed a healthy, nice and clean cut man would always win over the ‘Treat em’ mean, keep em’ keen’ arseholes my friends seems to perpetually date. Like a dirty, greasy burger that you know you’ll regret; bad men (but seemingly tasty and delicious) would win, destroying their emotional and physical health!

From my high horse I down looked upon the women who repeatedly went back to their bad men with pity. How could they put themselves through the hurt and embarrassment of repeated cheats and sexual humiliations?

As a friend, I dished out the classic advice of “You can do better than him” and “Once a knob, always a knob” and could never understand when, three weeks later, I was like a record player stuck on repeat.

That was until I was on the receiving end of the fateful words “You deserve better”, how had this happened? I was in control of the situation, wasn’t I?

I didn’t want a relationship right now, sex with extras was fine. Just fine! It was fine that we spent mornings in bed messing around and playing with his child. It was fine that I got invited to family parties and meet his grandparents and loved ones. It was also fine when he told me he missed me, spooned me and kissed me on the head, like a loved one.

Yet, it was also ‘fine’ when he didn’t text for weeks. It was fine that he never took me out for a meal or drinks and it was also fine when he never introduced me to his friends.

I can hear my own advice in my head screaming out “Cut your losses”, “You deserve better” and “He’s treating you like shit” yet I can’t seem to take it.

I pretend I am in control. I pretend I’m only in it for the short term and when someone better comes along I’ll be over him. I pretend I knew what I was getting into, so I must be ok. I pretend when I’m with him I don’t want him to tell me “You’re the one!” and I pretend I didn’t see the packet of condoms in his work bag.

I can’t claim to have rhyme or reason behind our madness or magical remedies for us. I have successfully deleted his number. For a month. I have promised myself and others never to see him again, yet the pull is as strong as ever.

Oh no!

Xxx

Dating xx

I love dating. In my ‘younger’ days it seemed to be more frequent and fun (yet not necessarily for the right reasons) You have the excitement of getting ready and spending time thinking of what the person might be like, what you should wear and what will happen. Hoping for lusty looks across to each other, a touch of the hands and goodbye kisses. Considering my love for dating, this never happens!

My date history has been some what interesting! Fraught with falls, false teeth and fumbles!
I can’t remember a definitive dating period with Jeremy. We drunkenly met several times, spent a week together at his university watching QI  in bed and fell comfortably in to a relationship without the lusty dates where I wished he would hold my hand or kiss me unsuspectingly.

My last 'thing' I had with FD did not require dates. Just dark, quiet trips to the cinema and late night visit to his house. Not fun!

One man, I met on a night out seemed such a gent. We briefly meet and he instantly asked for my number. He turned up at my door in his new BMW and whisked me away to a far off cinema to see a film I had mentioned. All was going well until he commented on my how lovely my teeth were. “Odd”, I thought, not your typical compliment. “Yeah” he followed on, “Mine were knocked out twice, so these are false!” he said pointing at his odd pearly, perfect front teeth! Kissing, after that point was off putting and I was in constant fear of sucking them out or finding them in my mouth. There was one other date (so not to seem shallow), but this date then showed his love for Harry Potter, which was significant enough for him to wear a Gryffindor scarf!

There was also the guy from work, who was HOT! On our first date I thought everything was going great, we laughed at the same things, read the same books and both loved the Big Lebowski. Whilst driving home he said “What’s the first thing you think of when walking through a field?” Thinking initially of flowers and sunshine, I opted for something normal only to be corrected by him “NO, man traps!” There was no second date!

My one and only blind date (not to be repeated) was with a man who laughed hysterically when I accidentally tripped as I walked towards him. As I had never met him before I thought this a tad harsh, only to find he was wearing one golf glove. My mishap was an accident; his on the hand was a purposeful clothing choice! This was followed by me breaking my new, bought for the occasion, belt (again to howls of laughter). And he repeated on cycle that his ex girlfriend was the ‘fat one’ on Grange Hill.

With my first love McCartney* our first date was Valentine’s Day, where I proceeded to ‘romantically’ pick his food and gave his incredibly sensitive tummy a shock with spicy sausage. This was a mistake as we were home by 9.30!

Considering my shocking history of dating, I still hold on tightly to the romantic notion that they will be amazing and fun.

Oh well, at least so far they have funny to experience and fun to retell.

Ever the optimist xx

D-. Try better next time.

All I will mention of my above blog is that I am a massive failure and have the self control of a child in a sweet shop. Except the 'sweets' I have been indulging on are bad for my health. I have now eaten too many and have made myself feel suitably sick and WILL NOT indulge again.

Onwards and upwards as they say. Onwards to parties in Manchester, and looking 'upwards' at tall, dark and handsome men.

Ooo, the excitement of first meetings, first dates, first kisses and first 'other stuffs'.

Can't wait. Xx

Birthday resolutions :)

In three days time I will turn 26! I don't admit that number easily, and have been 21 to most of my friends, family and strangers for several years now.

As this hideous ages come with the realisation that the 'BIG 30' is around the corner, I need to put in to motion a few birthday resolutions. These will in turn delude me into thinking it's OK to be 26, single, living with my dad, with no job prospects! (I am also well aware that is it very nearly a year until my LITTLE sister gets married, but thats another blog.)


So starting Monday I will.....

• Look (apply if possible) for one job a week.
• Do some sort of exercise at least once a week. (And no, walking to the cake shop does not count!)
• Loose half a stone. (Older brother's wedding in August!)
• Wear nice outfits.
• Do something that scares me once a week. (Something good, NOT remove spider from plug hole!)
• Blog twice a week.
• Sort out love life! (Trickiest bit, but will make for good blogging. See above.)

These in turn WILL make me happier. WILL!

Tomorrow I intend to get up early and do yoga before work. Hmmmm, this is going to be tricky!