An Education!

My, my, this evening has been an education. On my lovely bank holiday Monday evening as I sip my hot tea and enjoy my delicious homemade cottage pie; my flatmate Terrance* decides to bring up the subject of cock. Now, we all know I’m no prude and have been known to love cocks (pun intended), but this subject was not expected.

Having known several, intimately, over the years I thought I had a good understanding of them. I have been blessed with good sized penis’s and gloat to friends that I have never encountered wonky shafts, bulging bell ends or funky spunk. The only oddity encountered was Jeremy’s best friends infamous, mismatching balls, which he encouraged me to inspect whilst waiting to order at the bar. So infamous were these testicles, they heralded their own MySpace page and were compared to everyday objects such as potatoes. I politely declined and to this day feel glad of my drunken decision.

However, after an in depth discussion involving spunk, girth and length it was proven my ‘catalogue of cock’ was small and “Disappointing for a wanna be sex ed teacher”. So off on to the internet I went ‘all in the name of research’ of course. Under Terrance’s guidance I was directed to ratemycock.com and it was all I needed to update my knowledge and my, my, what an education it was.

The penis’s varied so much and what I perceived to be large (under a mans insistence) was comparably small and petite. Some are HUGE, some small yet perfectly formed. Some bend to the left, some end to the right. Balls hang low, to the side and can be tight beneath the shaft, but each, like their owners had personality and a certain beauty. It was funny how the men held them in the photographs, proud like trophies they had won or swords they wielded in majestic fights. They were so proud of their gift they yielded between their legs. Men’s usernames added to their momentous occassion such ‘2Big4U’, ‘Meat’ and ‘BigBoldBob’.

I had no want or desire to rate the penis’s and looked upon them as if they were displayed in museum and ‘Um’ed’ and ‘Ahh’ed’ over them like great works of art. Each had points of intrigue and said something about the men attached.

 My education is no over for the night yet I have learnt something profound and feel I should share it with the world

‘Never judge a cock by its cover; they might have a great penis in between their legs!’

Knights in shining armour

As the princess lay down on the feather bed high up in the cold stone tower, she knew it one day her prince would come. As time went by the princess dreamt of her sweet and gallant prince; he would be tall and brave. His hair would glint and glitter in the warm sunlight and his strong arms, that brandish his large sword, would bulge against the tight chain mail.

His journey would be hard and challenging, made harder by the fierce dragon that breathes fire. It would be a long battle, but the dragon proved no match to the strong prince. Next the prince would cut through miles of creeping vines that magically curl up his muscular legs, yet even this could not keep him from his true love.

As he ran up the stairs towards his prize possession, the prince was in doubt that ‘happily ever after’ lay ahead and all his troubles and toils had been worth it.

She could hear his foot steps on the stone steps and ran to the heavy door, knowing this gallant prince had risked life and limb to save her, and her alone.

As he bashed down the door with his mighty sword her heart beat faster with anticipation. At last all his toil would be over and life could begin with his one true love.

Their first kiss was magical and lasted for what felt like a life time and then, hand in hand they went off into the sunset galloping towards his giant castle to live happily ever after.

Fast forward a couple hundred years to 2012 and you’ll be shocked to find no prince in sight. If one was locked in a high rise now surrounded by pit bull terriers and stinging nettles, your man in question would holler from the gates “Oi! You there? At least meet me half way. Oh and bring the Weedol!”

Will we ever live happily ever after? 

xx

The Handshake

On Plenty of Fish I had lots of interest from lots of ‘interesting’ men. They all made me laugh in their own little ways and my findings are the following.

Each profile was different, yet each one scarily similar. Each person has their very own USP (unique selling point) whether it is their hobby of ‘sellotaping cats together to make one massive cat’ or excessive iron pumping, which makes them shockingly orange. And all men are unique due to their ‘love of mad nights out and chilled nights in with a DVD’ which I can only assume they write to cover all bases and make themselves more appealing to all women.

As I didn’t really go searching for men (I just left them to find me) I quickly found ways of weeding out the odd ones. Any messages that were subject titled ‘Hi’ were pretty much deleted on sight. As far as I’m concerned if you can’t think of anything better to say, don’t say anything.  The people I messaged back the most were the funny ones, ‘sellotaping cats’ got an instant reply, foodies and film people also got a chance.

I did have some serial offenders that regularly sent replica messages, which described their nervousness as they were new to the site. Ha, so nervous they forget to keep track of who they message and too nervous to send individual messages. I think not.

I did however get messages from seemingly normal men, got some numbers and offers of dates. As previously mentioned in an old blog I am awful at dating! My mouth, usually spouting any old rubbish that enters my head; drastically changes to a dried up empty hole of nothingness. My confident, creative hands get sweaty and jelly like and feel my back curl over into an excellent hunch back impression. This was going to be tricky.

I planned to meet Mr Tall* on a cold winters night at the Christmas Markets. At a whopping 6ft 6in he was not hard to miss stood outside Starbucks. I had approached the surrounding area with my friend and clung to her behind a bus stop, whilst I searched for his towering figure. We had a lovely evening together and my only annoyance was I never removed my coat, which hid my outfit that I had spent several tortured hours putting together. Soon enough it was home time, Mr Tall offered to drive me to my friends house and as I felt safe and happy to accept.

Now this is the tricky bit. As we pulled up outside my friend’s house in his BMW panic set in, he turned to face me.

So in my panic’ed state I put out hand and embarrassingly shock his hand!

What a great last impression I made :0(

I've got mail.

After a bucket load of gin and tonic and a whole week without seeing FD and having not heard from Jeremy; a friend and I signed my sweet, lil ass up to….. wait for it…… Plenty of Fish online dating! As a single girl of 26 I was hoping to save this ‘last resort’ until I was 30 and living with at least one cat, but before I knew it curiosity had taken over and I was clicking through prospective men and women.

So, where to begin. Having looked through some god, awful profiles that included a 23 year old man, sporting a mullet and glasses, I had to be careful when creating mine as to not attract the wrong people. I wanted the best bits of myself and for ‘research purposes’ Love, Sex, and Other Stuff.

My profile reads;

“I'm 26, blonde haired and blue eyed looking for someone to hide behind during scary films, wear swimsuits in the snow with and spoon on a sunny Sunday morning.

I want everything in life and a big bar of chocolate to top it off. I do loads of things in my free time from arty, creative making and baking and the general partying, shopping and watching films. I'm currently a nursery nurse and love it, but want a job around my degree. I've done the typical traveling around Oz and Thailand and want to do Route 66 next year in a blue Cadillac.

I joined 'Plenty' on a drunken whim with my friend, so would be grateful to all 'weirdo's and freaks' to stay away to prove my judgmental self wrong about online dating.”

Having added several different pictures of myself (to give a well rounded view) I slurped down the final dips of gin and fell fast asleep in ignorance to my actions.

Less than 24 hours later I logged in to see what I had written and to delete the whole silly thing. However… as I read the flashing words, my interest grew. 25 NEW MESSAGES!

The messages ranged from all kinds of men, short, tall, tattooed, fit and f’ugly. All sorts of men for all sorts of women. The messages were so complimentary; my ego was growing with every message.

‘Hey sexy, you have the most beautiful smile’ Bigpackage25

‘I have to say you have the prettiest smile.’ Imyoursbabe2011

‘You’re stunning and your profile is really cute.’ Lpooldude2

I’m loving all the men at my disposal and meeting new people in a safe environment. My profile doesn’t have my name or any contact details and if I intend on meeting any men I will stay safe and give all the relevant details to my dad or friends.

I urge all you lovely, single ladies to push aside the negative feelings towards online dating and dating and see it as new and interesting way to meet men in your pj’s!

Secret Sex

You are cordially invited to the wedding of

Graham & Sarah

29^th May 12pm 2012

Yours sincerely the loving parents

OR NOT!!! This loving relationship was soon ripped apart when my beautiful ‘bride to be’ friend came to me with the words every bridesmaid dreads. “I can’t marry him!”

But this is not a story of affairs, broken hearts and crying. That can wait for another day. No, this is about a short 9 months later the ‘devastated’ ex calling me for sex!

It started off simple enough. A little bit of flirting over Facebook, but no more than banter about the boudoir shoot I had done previously. It then moved up to ego boosting compliments, which I enjoyed and to be fair did not stop or discourage. Then it was merely a hop, skip and a jump until he was asking me over for ‘fun times’.

The ex bride in question is very unlike me. Physically, she is athletic, dark haired and small and has never, ever discussed sex, EVER! Which begs the question of what Graham* is like in bed!!!

He talks of the ‘fun times’ we can share and how secret sex will be amazing.

However the girl in me has queries and questions.

• What if I’m bad in bed? It’s a genuine concern as with any new lover, but as a friend, certain expectations are involved.
• What if he is bad in bed? I’m not that good an actor and will be mega embarrassing if he pulls down his pants and reveals a teeny tiny cock!
• What if someone finds out? I do not want to be someone’s sloppy seconds.

In the name of sexual health research I would be ready to jump in, but as we all know. Secrets never stay silent, especially when it comes to sex.

These are a few of my favourite things

To the tune of "Favourite things" from Sound of Music

 

Kissing on sofas or snogging at bedtime.

Gentle undressing or ripping at clothing.

Nibbling at earlobes and licking at nips.

These are a few of my favourite tricks.

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

Whipped cream with strawberries and ice cubes with fruit in

Nutella to lick off and put your big cock in.

Thick peanut butter is full of small bits,

But it might be nice to sucked off my tits

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

First with your tongue, and then with your fingers
Dipping and licking and trembling that lingers.

Coming together, we fall in heap.

Slip into spooning and soon we’re asleep.

When you spank me.
When you pinch me.
Gently pull my hair.
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I can scream, “I’m there!!!”

Buggers vs Salads!

Having come from ‘nice’ relationships, I always believed a healthy, nice and clean cut man would always win over the ‘Treat em’ mean, keep em’ keen’ arseholes my friends seems to perpetually date. Like a dirty, greasy burger that you know you’ll regret; bad men (but seemingly tasty and delicious) would win, destroying their emotional and physical health!

From my high horse I down looked upon the women who repeatedly went back to their bad men with pity. How could they put themselves through the hurt and embarrassment of repeated cheats and sexual humiliations?

As a friend, I dished out the classic advice of “You can do better than him” and “Once a knob, always a knob” and could never understand when, three weeks later, I was like a record player stuck on repeat.

That was until I was on the receiving end of the fateful words “You deserve better”, how had this happened? I was in control of the situation, wasn’t I?

I didn’t want a relationship right now, sex with extras was fine. Just fine! It was fine that we spent mornings in bed messing around and playing with his child. It was fine that I got invited to family parties and meet his grandparents and loved ones. It was also fine when he told me he missed me, spooned me and kissed me on the head, like a loved one.

Yet, it was also ‘fine’ when he didn’t text for weeks. It was fine that he never took me out for a meal or drinks and it was also fine when he never introduced me to his friends.

I can hear my own advice in my head screaming out “Cut your losses”, “You deserve better” and “He’s treating you like shit” yet I can’t seem to take it.

I pretend I am in control. I pretend I’m only in it for the short term and when someone better comes along I’ll be over him. I pretend I knew what I was getting into, so I must be ok. I pretend when I’m with him I don’t want him to tell me “You’re the one!” and I pretend I didn’t see the packet of condoms in his work bag.

I can’t claim to have rhyme or reason behind our madness or magical remedies for us. I have successfully deleted his number. For a month. I have promised myself and others never to see him again, yet the pull is as strong as ever.

Oh no!

Xxx