Having come from ‘nice’ relationships, I always believed a healthy, nice and clean cut man would always win over the ‘Treat em’ mean, keep em’ keen’ arseholes my friends seems to perpetually date. Like a dirty, greasy burger that you know you’ll regret; bad men (but seemingly tasty and delicious) would win, destroying their emotional and physical health!
From my high horse I down looked upon the women who repeatedly went back to their bad men with pity. How could they put themselves through the hurt and embarrassment of repeated cheats and sexual humiliations?
As a friend, I dished out the classic advice of “You can do better than him” and “Once a knob, always a knob” and could never understand when, three weeks later, I was like a record player stuck on repeat.
That was until I was on the receiving end of the fateful words “You deserve better”, how had this happened? I was in control of the situation, wasn’t I?
I didn’t want a relationship right now, sex with extras was fine. Just fine! It was fine that we spent mornings in bed messing around and playing with his child. It was fine that I got invited to family parties and meet his grandparents and loved ones. It was also fine when he told me he missed me, spooned me and kissed me on the head, like a loved one.
Yet, it was also ‘fine’ when he didn’t text for weeks. It was fine that he never took me out for a meal or drinks and it was also fine when he never introduced me to his friends.
I can hear my own advice in my head screaming out “Cut your losses”, “You deserve better” and “He’s treating you like shit” yet I can’t seem to take it.
I pretend I am in control. I pretend I’m only in it for the short term and when someone better comes along I’ll be over him. I pretend I knew what I was getting into, so I must be ok. I pretend when I’m with him I don’t want him to tell me “You’re the one!” and I pretend I didn’t see the packet of condoms in his work bag.
I can’t claim to have rhyme or reason behind our madness or magical remedies for us. I have successfully deleted his number. For a month. I have promised myself and others never to see him again, yet the pull is as strong as ever.
Oh no!
Xxx
