Broken Toy

I found a toy at nursery. It looked fantastic, all shiny and perfect for me. At first we played so well together and spent hours, days and weeks having fun. However, small cracks began appearing if I hugged it too hard or looked too closely. At first I thought I could try to fix it with plasters and a lick of paint, but the cracks were deep and sadly couldn’t be kissed better.

Soon after seeing the cracks and realising how fragile the toy was I put it on a shelf to admire time to time and talk to when I was alone.

Most of the time the toy sits on my shelf out of view and I don’t see it. I know it can’t be played with the same as others. I know it can’t be bent out of shape and will always be delicate.

Yet every now and then when I’m bored or in need of distraction the toy will catch my eye. I’ll give it a little nudge and give the key in its back a few cranky turns. Sometimes the toy will make jaunty little movements like it’s unused but not ‘out of order’. It has even been known to spontaneously bursts into life and we will play happily and everything is smooth and joyful.

But sometimes the rusty key refuses to budge or small nudges cause the intricate and deep cracks from the previous owner to shine through as new as the day they were made.

Funky Spunk

As Samantha pulls her head away from the crotch of a man, you cant help but notice the disgusted look on her. Seconds later, at lunch Sam announces "I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk!" Words that had recently become true for me. I was shocked as this wasn't the first blow with this man and once the joy juice is in there, there ain't not going back! Now the smell of damp tea towels make my mouth feel full and my gag reflex twitch :O


A hint and tip I read once was 'Never put a soft cock in your mouth.' I wondered if this is for safety reasons, in case a man grew to shocking lengths mid blow and became a chocking hazard? However, as I found some time later, it was not for this reason, it was due to just not being nice.

If memory serves me right my first blow job was drunken, fumbling and not great for either of us. However, as Samantha points out later in the episode with the right man Blow Jobs can be fantastic. I believe they are all about confidence, control and and knowing that you have the power to bring a man to his knees. Over the years, research and training has taught me a few tricks and treats, which have earned the title 'Best Blow Job'. Hints and tips have been the topic of many a conversation during cocktails and sleepovers with the girls. Tea bagging, head movements, hand movements and the ever so messy, ever so sticky SPUNK!
As differing as the texture is from man to man, a woman's view of it soooo different. I've always been under the impression that in an effort to be polite you should swallow and if you time it right it can gone in an instant. Also, where else would you put it? Not on my luxury Egyptian cotton bed clothes.

My one friend cannot stand the taste, to the point where she can't eat mushrooms as the similarity knocks her sick. Having only been with one man it has been pointed out to her that not all 'joy juice' tastes bad. Yet she makes up for it, by letting him come on anywhere on her. Messy!

Whilst discussing the topic with males friends I asked the question "Ever you ever tasted your jizz?" Most gave disgusted looks with the typical answer of "No way, that's disgusting!" Yet, one drunken man piped up "Yeah, I have. I came on my girlfriends face; and then kissed her like gent!" A contradiction me thinks.

An Education!

My, my, this evening has been an education. On my lovely bank holiday Monday evening as I sip my hot tea and enjoy my delicious homemade cottage pie; my flatmate Terrance* decides to bring up the subject of cock. Now, we all know I’m no prude and have been known to love cocks (pun intended), but this subject was not expected.

Having known several, intimately, over the years I thought I had a good understanding of them. I have been blessed with good sized penis’s and gloat to friends that I have never encountered wonky shafts, bulging bell ends or funky spunk. The only oddity encountered was Jeremy’s best friends infamous, mismatching balls, which he encouraged me to inspect whilst waiting to order at the bar. So infamous were these testicles, they heralded their own MySpace page and were compared to everyday objects such as potatoes. I politely declined and to this day feel glad of my drunken decision.

However, after an in depth discussion involving spunk, girth and length it was proven my ‘catalogue of cock’ was small and “Disappointing for a wanna be sex ed teacher”. So off on to the internet I went ‘all in the name of research’ of course. Under Terrance’s guidance I was directed to ratemycock.com and it was all I needed to update my knowledge and my, my, what an education it was.

The penis’s varied so much and what I perceived to be large (under a mans insistence) was comparably small and petite. Some are HUGE, some small yet perfectly formed. Some bend to the left, some end to the right. Balls hang low, to the side and can be tight beneath the shaft, but each, like their owners had personality and a certain beauty. It was funny how the men held them in the photographs, proud like trophies they had won or swords they wielded in majestic fights. They were so proud of their gift they yielded between their legs. Men’s usernames added to their momentous occassion such ‘2Big4U’, ‘Meat’ and ‘BigBoldBob’.

I had no want or desire to rate the penis’s and looked upon them as if they were displayed in museum and ‘Um’ed’ and ‘Ahh’ed’ over them like great works of art. Each had points of intrigue and said something about the men attached.

 My education is no over for the night yet I have learnt something profound and feel I should share it with the world

‘Never judge a cock by its cover; they might have a great penis in between their legs!’

Knights in shining armour

As the princess lay down on the feather bed high up in the cold stone tower, she knew it one day her prince would come. As time went by the princess dreamt of her sweet and gallant prince; he would be tall and brave. His hair would glint and glitter in the warm sunlight and his strong arms, that brandish his large sword, would bulge against the tight chain mail.

His journey would be hard and challenging, made harder by the fierce dragon that breathes fire. It would be a long battle, but the dragon proved no match to the strong prince. Next the prince would cut through miles of creeping vines that magically curl up his muscular legs, yet even this could not keep him from his true love.

As he ran up the stairs towards his prize possession, the prince was in doubt that ‘happily ever after’ lay ahead and all his troubles and toils had been worth it.

She could hear his foot steps on the stone steps and ran to the heavy door, knowing this gallant prince had risked life and limb to save her, and her alone.

As he bashed down the door with his mighty sword her heart beat faster with anticipation. At last all his toil would be over and life could begin with his one true love.

Their first kiss was magical and lasted for what felt like a life time and then, hand in hand they went off into the sunset galloping towards his giant castle to live happily ever after.

Fast forward a couple hundred years to 2012 and you’ll be shocked to find no prince in sight. If one was locked in a high rise now surrounded by pit bull terriers and stinging nettles, your man in question would holler from the gates “Oi! You there? At least meet me half way. Oh and bring the Weedol!”

Will we ever live happily ever after? 

xx

The Handshake

On Plenty of Fish I had lots of interest from lots of ‘interesting’ men. They all made me laugh in their own little ways and my findings are the following.

Each profile was different, yet each one scarily similar. Each person has their very own USP (unique selling point) whether it is their hobby of ‘sellotaping cats together to make one massive cat’ or excessive iron pumping, which makes them shockingly orange. And all men are unique due to their ‘love of mad nights out and chilled nights in with a DVD’ which I can only assume they write to cover all bases and make themselves more appealing to all women.

As I didn’t really go searching for men (I just left them to find me) I quickly found ways of weeding out the odd ones. Any messages that were subject titled ‘Hi’ were pretty much deleted on sight. As far as I’m concerned if you can’t think of anything better to say, don’t say anything.  The people I messaged back the most were the funny ones, ‘sellotaping cats’ got an instant reply, foodies and film people also got a chance.

I did have some serial offenders that regularly sent replica messages, which described their nervousness as they were new to the site. Ha, so nervous they forget to keep track of who they message and too nervous to send individual messages. I think not.

I did however get messages from seemingly normal men, got some numbers and offers of dates. As previously mentioned in an old blog I am awful at dating! My mouth, usually spouting any old rubbish that enters my head; drastically changes to a dried up empty hole of nothingness. My confident, creative hands get sweaty and jelly like and feel my back curl over into an excellent hunch back impression. This was going to be tricky.

I planned to meet Mr Tall* on a cold winters night at the Christmas Markets. At a whopping 6ft 6in he was not hard to miss stood outside Starbucks. I had approached the surrounding area with my friend and clung to her behind a bus stop, whilst I searched for his towering figure. We had a lovely evening together and my only annoyance was I never removed my coat, which hid my outfit that I had spent several tortured hours putting together. Soon enough it was home time, Mr Tall offered to drive me to my friends house and as I felt safe and happy to accept.

Now this is the tricky bit. As we pulled up outside my friend’s house in his BMW panic set in, he turned to face me.

So in my panic’ed state I put out hand and embarrassingly shock his hand!

What a great last impression I made :0(

I've got mail.

After a bucket load of gin and tonic and a whole week without seeing FD and having not heard from Jeremy; a friend and I signed my sweet, lil ass up to….. wait for it…… Plenty of Fish online dating! As a single girl of 26 I was hoping to save this ‘last resort’ until I was 30 and living with at least one cat, but before I knew it curiosity had taken over and I was clicking through prospective men and women.

So, where to begin. Having looked through some god, awful profiles that included a 23 year old man, sporting a mullet and glasses, I had to be careful when creating mine as to not attract the wrong people. I wanted the best bits of myself and for ‘research purposes’ Love, Sex, and Other Stuff.

My profile reads;

“I'm 26, blonde haired and blue eyed looking for someone to hide behind during scary films, wear swimsuits in the snow with and spoon on a sunny Sunday morning.

I want everything in life and a big bar of chocolate to top it off. I do loads of things in my free time from arty, creative making and baking and the general partying, shopping and watching films. I'm currently a nursery nurse and love it, but want a job around my degree. I've done the typical traveling around Oz and Thailand and want to do Route 66 next year in a blue Cadillac.

I joined 'Plenty' on a drunken whim with my friend, so would be grateful to all 'weirdo's and freaks' to stay away to prove my judgmental self wrong about online dating.”

Having added several different pictures of myself (to give a well rounded view) I slurped down the final dips of gin and fell fast asleep in ignorance to my actions.

Less than 24 hours later I logged in to see what I had written and to delete the whole silly thing. However… as I read the flashing words, my interest grew. 25 NEW MESSAGES!

The messages ranged from all kinds of men, short, tall, tattooed, fit and f’ugly. All sorts of men for all sorts of women. The messages were so complimentary; my ego was growing with every message.

‘Hey sexy, you have the most beautiful smile’ Bigpackage25

‘I have to say you have the prettiest smile.’ Imyoursbabe2011

‘You’re stunning and your profile is really cute.’ Lpooldude2

I’m loving all the men at my disposal and meeting new people in a safe environment. My profile doesn’t have my name or any contact details and if I intend on meeting any men I will stay safe and give all the relevant details to my dad or friends.

I urge all you lovely, single ladies to push aside the negative feelings towards online dating and dating and see it as new and interesting way to meet men in your pj’s!

Secret Sex

You are cordially invited to the wedding of

Graham & Sarah

29^th May 12pm 2012

Yours sincerely the loving parents

OR NOT!!! This loving relationship was soon ripped apart when my beautiful ‘bride to be’ friend came to me with the words every bridesmaid dreads. “I can’t marry him!”

But this is not a story of affairs, broken hearts and crying. That can wait for another day. No, this is about a short 9 months later the ‘devastated’ ex calling me for sex!

It started off simple enough. A little bit of flirting over Facebook, but no more than banter about the boudoir shoot I had done previously. It then moved up to ego boosting compliments, which I enjoyed and to be fair did not stop or discourage. Then it was merely a hop, skip and a jump until he was asking me over for ‘fun times’.

The ex bride in question is very unlike me. Physically, she is athletic, dark haired and small and has never, ever discussed sex, EVER! Which begs the question of what Graham* is like in bed!!!

He talks of the ‘fun times’ we can share and how secret sex will be amazing.

However the girl in me has queries and questions.

• What if I’m bad in bed? It’s a genuine concern as with any new lover, but as a friend, certain expectations are involved.
• What if he is bad in bed? I’m not that good an actor and will be mega embarrassing if he pulls down his pants and reveals a teeny tiny cock!
• What if someone finds out? I do not want to be someone’s sloppy seconds.

In the name of sexual health research I would be ready to jump in, but as we all know. Secrets never stay silent, especially when it comes to sex.